I wrestle with the concept have I ever been in love.
I have been exposed to many concepts of love.
The Johanne Lindsey romance novel kind of love that is passionate and obessive.
The artist/musician kind of love where it is polyamarous and confusing. It is conjured up by melodies.
Then the “duty” marriage kind of love where it seems like the right thing to do.
Then there is the eternal kind of love. Deeply spiritual and self sacrificing.
After experiencing all types of “love” I finally realize the kind of love that I desire cannot be shared with someone addicted to carnality and materialism.
To me if it isn’t eternal it simply isn’t worth having.
I can now say I experienced deep connection and affection with certain gentlemen. We shared emotionally intimate moments. But I now feel no more affinity towards them, than when as a child I went to an amusement park. They are merely interesting memories that shaped my life. Gateways to a different understanding about how I engage the world.
The men I thought I loved NEVER existed. So I can’t say I have ever been in love with anyone. I loved illusions not real people.
Some might ask what about your ex-husband ?
I was in love with THE IDEA of a handsome African man with the body of a stripper putting Christ first in his life, his family second and his career third. I was in love with THE IDEA of a man who wanted a home where a wife and mother honored his legacy by putting her career after nurturing him and his children. I was in love with THE IDEA of a man, that believed in protecting the dignity of the woman who died a thousand deaths to help him succeed.
I was in love with AN IDEA, not an actual human being. I was kind of like Russell Crowe in “A Beautiful Mind”, having scziod illusions that only I could see. Now I am at the end of that movie, where I can now control my mind and realize the man I thought existed never did. I was never apart of his grand scheme. Just a means to an end. He always wanted to be the perfect African son his father wanted, with an African wife.
While it hurts to realize I wasn’t his dream come true. The fact of the matter is he wasn’t mine either. Not sure if I will ever meet my dream come true….