I am tired. This world is too much. Being spiritually discerning and tasting the presence of God through worship, just changes your appetite. I really wish I was a go with the crowd, materialistic person. However, I have tried it and it never works for me, because I have read too much scripture. Breaking the heart of God and making a mess of your life isn’t fun for me. I really dont know how people, especially women go from one sinful relationship to another, because I hate having my heart broken. I hate giving my precious time and energy to someone who doesn’t value or respect me. I hate creating memories with someone who won’t care when they break my heart or care about my dignity or purpose or my soul.
I guess some people dont know what it is like be physically assualted by a parent after helping them with tons of projects or not even getting a gift under the Christmas tree after sacrificed your life for them. Then of course people will judge you for not being able to get past the trauma.
Nevertheless, I still believe in the goodness of God. I believe God is loving, compassionate, full of mercy and grace. He is everything this world is not. I feel it everytime I spend time reading my Bible or Worship with music. Is this a form of escapism ? Sure. However, I have tried so much therapy and medication, with little relief from symptoms. Then at the end of the day therapists will just tell you to find healthy coping mechanisms to deal with triggers.
Then there is the pressure to love others. It sounds simple but it is so not, because at some point you have to stand for something. Even Jesus got angry and cleaned the Temple. He also said, it is better for someone to kill themselves than to hurt the vunerable and cause them to not seek the Lord.
So many hurting people and people hurting themselves. It is maddening. I am not perfect by any means, but I hate watching folks hurt themselves with poor choices and then hurt others out of their hurt. Or simply folks getting hurt by no fault of their own. I mean how many more mass shootings do we have to live through ? Or horrible child abuse or any kind of abuse ? Some people are so truly wicked.
Yet I make mistakes. I have said hurtful words and had unkind thoughts. I struggle to show compassion and I can be selfish. I probably hold myself up to impossible standards. I definitely care too much but don’t pray, give or serve as much as should.
Which is why I would rather just be an angel. This free will stuff is too hard. I just want to do God’s Will consistently and be in His presence constantly. I feel like we today as loving Christians are living in a minefield of insanity. Abusive pastors demanding forgiveness, but little care to victims. Standing for Biblical sexuality, but not wanting any harm to come the LGBTQ community. Racists need forgiviness, just like black people who commit colorism, sexism or classism. Praying for the Peace of Jerusalem but being called antisemitic if you dont want Palestinians harmed. Not wanting to slut shame or be self righteous, but wanting to warn about the dangers of sexual sin. Wanting to tithe, but not wanting your money to go to advancing white supremacy. Wanting folks to experience Christ, but not the pain of church hurt.
With all this crazy in the world and no clear direction, some days I would just like to be angel so I can turn my brain off and just do the right thing that brings peace to this earth and glory to God.