I am not a victim, I am a fighter
by on October 4, 2024 in Trauma Recovery

As I embark on this new journey, I have to stay in my power. I am not a victim, I am a fighter. I have to remind myself that I let abuse slide because I thought it was “the Christian thing” to do.

I also have to make sure I armor up as much as possible. The government and the church work hand in hand to make people weak and compliant to abusive leaders.Anyone who seeks to fight this programming will be attacked. But I seek to stay loyal to the words: sic sempre tyrannus !

Still, we turn a blind eye in the church, we turn a blind eye to police brutality, corrupt politicians, etc. I am probably guilty myself. However, what I find sickening is how people continue to associate with those who are unrepentant in hurting others and show a consistent pattern of insensitivity. I am stingy with my time and energy. I have a low tolerance for treachery. I am disgusted by those who jockey for position to be close to gross people.

Mentally I am looking for new ways to keep my sanity. It is such an embarassing trial and error. My toxic relationship with my family wore on my friends, who were already battling their own demons.

It saddens me. However, I have to remind myself I really didn’t know how bad things were until my father defended a fellow abusive pastor. Like I can’t express how mind blowing it was. For years, I had tried to distance myself from my father’s church because I knew how dishonest and shady he was. I mean I helped him cheat through seminary. After that I began to realize how he randomly picked and choose what the Bible said. Tithing seemed highly important, but fathers do not cause your children to wrath, most of 1 & 2 Timothy, and dont be unequally yoked, not so much. We had to constantly forgive and forget his many transgressions, BUT he got to complain about student loans.

My therapist says my alleged sperm donor is a narcissist, which sadly checks out. I am gonna be honest and say I don’t like this man, even a little bit. He doesnt represent anything I respect in a human. I am so done pretending and trying. How many times have I gone to the altar to forgive this person, only to have them abuse me time and time again. It has gotten to the point that for the past few nights the only thing that brings me a sense of peace is fantasizing about his death (something to discuss heavily in my therapy session).

I am being open about this because it scares me to be this callous and cold. It is frightening to relate to murders and to feel that sort of rage and hurt flow through your body. It is why I am so ardent about protecting folks from abuse. Consistent abuse especially from a parent,does the exact opposite of what consistent love from a parent does. Love gives life and inspires inner peace, abuse erodes life and inspires inner turmoil until a person explodes.

The Bible says out of the overflow the heart speaks. A heart full of parent neglect and abuse, can only reproduce rage into the world.

Why ? Because our brains are wired for self preservation and comfort. If we are in pain too long and someone is causing us pain, we logically will do everything to end the pain whether that is ending ourselves or the person causing it. I think for mass shooters, at some point they begin to think society is a cause for their pain. In someways they are not wrong. We collectively ignore the pain of others to keep our own selves alive. I realized this when I studied global politics and morality.

There is always something we could be doing. I used to think simply sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ was enough to fight against suffering. I don’t want to sound sacrireligious, but while my faith has sustained me, no amount of religious rituals ultimately healed me. I am not sure what to make of this. Yes, people can accept Jesus as their Lord and savior, but countless pastors have proven that reading the Bible, and going to church every Sunday, doesnt stop abusive behavior or keep them from suicide or addiction.

I talk about Jarrid Wilson alot. The fact that hopelessness can kill a pastor, woke me up. I have tired of the mental gymnastics associated with explaining away abusive, addicted,suicidal pastors.

Thus far the only thing that continues to pull me back from insanity is that I am not a victim, I am a fighter. Even Jesus cleaned the temple and cussed folks out at some point. I think folks misunderstand him being described as meek. All I know is, God did not call me to die on the cross for anyone’s sins. I am not killing myself or others, because they have issues. Nevertheless, I have too many days where I dont want to be on this earth. The treachery of those who call themselves Christian is deeply troubling. It is bizarre that for every good kind people do, more exist to do evil.

Now Christianity has done more good than harm, I think, but something is amiss in society right now or at the very least my world right now. I don’t trust churches any more. They don’t protect you from abuse, they wont help you heal from abuse and in fact may abuse you. This has been hard for me to accept. But I am not a victim, I am a fighter and my favorite weapon is truth.

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