Yesterday I discovered I have 5 blockages in my heart. My cardiologist and primary care noted that some of my heart disease is from high levels of stress and some of it is from genetics. My cholesterol is like 400 and I had preclampsia during pregnancy.
Processing this has been hard to say the least. I have had Facebook and email rants, about being neglected, exploited and abused. But does how I feel and what happened really matter at this point ? All I know is I am tired…
Tired of feeling depressed
Of hoping that the next self help book or therapy session will finally relieve me of my anxiety and nightmares
Tired of going out to play music and being sexually harrased or having to be concerned about violence
Of dealing with men who’s fragile egos seem not to understand you want peace more than the drama of dealing with them.
I am tired of being angry about things that I cant fix
I am tired of explaining myself and having to have to constantly fight for being treated with dignity and respect
I am tired of people trying to beat me down emotionally, simply because I wont stay in “my place” as a black woman
I am tired of dating men who want women to do all the emotional labor
I am tired of meeting men who havent been loved well, but I have nothing to give them.
I am tired of mining information and finding very little truth
I am tired of being manipulated by scripture…
I feel like there was another path somewhere along the line I should have taken. Like I was boo boo the fool who should’ve jump ship from all this church stuff and listened to my soul instead. Or maybe not my soul but common sense. Or maybe to really live for Christ, you arent supposed to live a long life.
What is clear no one has answers. Everyone uses a different baramoter for decision making. Maybe mine is broken. All I have ever wanted to do is serve God and have a grear family. Clearly that may not have been enough to protect me. I feel like I should have been less naive.
So many repressed emotions, so many ignored health issues. Being positive will only take you so far. Prayer will only take you so far. Like obviously there is a severe disconect between what I have been taught and reality.