The late night musings of a triggered black woman experiencing an overactive pain body
by on November 20, 2023 in Uncategorized

I grew up around people of all colors and backgrounds in Fairfax County. I sincerely loved everyone. However, I realize because of this I can be super naive about how bad white supremacy is. One day I would like to chat with my fellow Black Republican and former Youth Pastor Eric M. Wallace , to discuss the lived experience of this black woman, who was once his faithful student hanging out with Grandma Moses, Uncle Ross, Aunt Tatiania, Avidan, and Emmanuel.

Perhaps I will talk about how University of Virginia (where I was a Dean’s List student in History and Comparative Politics) was ground zero for eugenics experiments and was the brain child behind the Tuskegee Experiments. UVA is also where Woodrow Wilson was once college president, who later viewed A Birth of Nation in the White House and loved its messaging. In fact, Nazi Germany was influenced by the eugenics concepts developed at UVA.

I have come to realize unless folks have been deep in the archives of the University of Virginia, aka the birth place of Jeffersonian democracy, they may not have the necessary evidence to confirm or deny the principles of CRT. But if qualitative research isnt a person’s thing, there is enough empirical data to support that the systems in America were optimized to benefit white males first and foremost. I mean that is the general concept of “The Bell Curve”.

I mean objectively if I was a white male outside of the nobility, cold miserable, with no spices or sugar, traumatized by centuries of European war and culture conflicts, I would be a imperialist too.

Shoot, I am Republican upper middle class Black Christian, who is baptized in the Holy Spirit and, was a Pro-life lobbyist for Concerned Women For America LAC . I belived in Newt Ginrich’s contract with America and received a letter of recognition from George W. Bush I was born on the Fourth of July, walked in the same places as Sally Hemmings while studying at the birth place of Jeffersonian Democracy. (Sidebar: I tend to lean towards 1776 as the true starting point of America as a soveriegn nation not 1619).

I say all this Dr Vickie Kelley, because I am up once again in the middle of the night in severe pain. People think I am bipolar because I am not sleeping and acting very erractic. It reminds of that scene in Malcom X where his mother was dragged off and placed in an assulym. This brings to mind, Dorthea Dix, who was a 19th-century American activist who dedicated her life to advocating for the rights and humane treatment of individuals with mental illnesses. She conducted extensive research and documentation on the deplorable conditions of asylums and prisons, which she used to advocate for reform.

For the utter life of me, I dont know how any student of Amerikkkan history can deny the weaponization of institutions against black people, when these instutions were weaponized amd still are weaponized against white people. People for get that Amerikkka is fundemntally WASP nation that hated other European immigrants. German Jews can tell you all about how assimilation was an important survival technique that ultimately failed once the Final Solution aka the Holocaust was executed.

But I digress….let me get back to how up until recently Black women were deemed the mules of society, because of the racial heiarchy implemented in Amerikkka after Shay’s rebellion. See the body keeps the score. Amerikkkans hate the research coming out of Europe about trauma. Alot of the research is being advanced by Holocaust survivors and their descendants. These wonderful researchers are acknowledging how generational trauma impacts health outcomes. With my mom having ALS at 70, and I having quadruple bypass at the same time at 43, this was definitely a red flag for me. I did extensive research for my mom, which had been our dynamic since I was a kid. She was a master teacher and I was her little research assistant. I was in fact the researcher for the whole family.

So as I lay here in pain, unable to sleep because I have a nerve condition because I have been traumatized by having a heart attack and surving extensive abuse as a brown skinned black woman, I am resorting to my always faithful coping mechanism: researching and writing. With Chatgpt it is even easier and like placing even more highly flammable information in the already buring fire of my brain.

So to be clear, I am not manic. I have C-PTSD and when I am triggered I go apeshit writing and researching. Why am I triggered ? Because my body is in extreme pain, I have occasional hot flash and nights sweats. The lack of sleep and tons of contreversial information in my brain, has made me even more irritable and angry as I am also grieving the horrible death of my mother. Thankfully I have given up the asburd notion I could save her. The responsibility for her care lies squarely upon her husband, who did an absolute shitty job.

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