There are so many ways to handle certain things and it ultimately comes down to the narrative in your head when you make the choice. I have always been curious about the thought processes behind people’s choices to the point I use to love watching the show Taboo or the movie Pimps Up Hoes Down. Why would a woman throw herself on a funeral pyre in India, while another woman in another country would choose to have a pimp and prostitute herself ?
These days I am super confused about relationships with others and my relationship to church. I know I need both, but both can be so triggering and upsetting. I guess this is the impact of PTSD. Even saying I have PTSD in some Christian circles is looked down upon. Further, the Bible teaches people should be highly selective about their friends, because “friends of the wise shall become wise but friends of fools shall find destruction.”
Scriptures like this, give me pause because of my current mental and physical health. Am I in this predicament because choose the wrong friends ? On some level I do miss my Evangelical friends, but they were mostly white . I do feel I made a horrible wrong turn in my life when I began associating with jazz musicians. I really should have stuck with my church friends. Not that all jazz musicians are bad, but the ones I started hanging out with had no wisdom when it came to encouraging people through difficult times in their marriage. I surely found destruction listening to those fools and I kept making that mistake time and time again after. Sure some of following the wrong crowd had to do with my own upbringing, low self esteem and desiring acceptance, but at some point better judgement has to kick in as you age.
Even so finding friends hasnt been easy for me because I have so many varying interests. Most Conservative Christian women wouldnt be caught dead playing jazz, which I love. Not to mention the white ones, have very little understanding what it means to be black in America. I know people have different friends for different reasons, but sometimes it can be exhausting being 2-3 different people. I really love being with my music friends most of all, but the drinking and smoking has become too unhealthy for me. Then the pressure to be an ambassador for Christ gets to be a bit much. Like I always feel I should be doing more to encourage and uplift them more spiritually. However, somehow I end up spilling my guts and they end up encouraging me.
These days I feel so distant from the Evangelical culture that I used to enjoy. Cliches don’t cut it for me any more. Everybody tends to just repress emotions or hide behind scripture. I feel less than because I am not a perfect wife, obsesing over kids and marriage any more. I dont bake or knit. While I recognize certain lifestyles are a sin, I have dear friends who have been there for me and who I work with that I dont want to go to hell. The closer I get to one group, I feel less comfortable around the other. I guess I read the be hot or cold thing in Revelations too many times, to find balance. Maybe things are about seasons and in this season I need to develop stronger Christian friends, so I can be a better friend to those who need support as they grow to find the Lord for themselves ?