So today I learned some shocking news after a year of thinking I was just out of shape from the pandemic, I found out I have to get quadruple bypass surgery.
I cant tell you the range of emotions I have felt since finding out a month ago when I failed my stress test.
I was angry at first. I have been through so much trauma and depression. I have been consistently working hard to put the past behind me. I had better days than others. Spent thousands on therapy, bought a house, raised great kids and have a 6 figure job. I never really was super unhealthy. I grew up playing sports, ran 5ks and almost never ate fast food growing up. Now my 30s were a little rough, but I am pretty sure there are crackheads and heroin addicts who have better heart health than I do. The doctors intially, said that the stress of my divorce and family issues played a role in me having heart disease, so spent weeks angry looking for someone to blame.
However, by the time all the data about my heart came in, the surgeon explained that my heart issues were mostly genetic. Family history of heart disease and extreme high cholesterol. A person’s cholesterol is supposed to be 200 mine is almost 400.
At some point when you have been through so much as a black person in Amerikkka, the whys of the pain stop needing to be understood. My ancestors never had the privilege of Googling why they ended up enslaved. Gen Xers and older never grew up with concept of self care. Things that are deemed today as racist or abusive were not so 20 yrs ago (See R@@dskins).
Now I am not saying we shouldnt reflect or process the past, I am just saying at some pojnt the law of diminishing return kicks in. You lose out on making the present moment into something beautiful.
So many nights I struggled with nightmares, flashbacks, self loathing and suicide. In fact this stuff has been a regular part of my life since 13. No matter where I seemed to turn there was pain. I literally came into this world fighting for my life, with the umbilical chord tied around my neck. (Ironically, I had been thinking of hanging myself, like my cousin butch). One time my father was late dropping me off to the babysitter. Just so happens the house caught on fire and the crib where I was supposed to be sleeping burned up.
I can go on and on about near death experiences. For a while strangely for the past 3 years, I have felt life slowly leaving my body. I have felt death always breathing down my neck. Now that I know that I have heart disease, I am just baffled.
What I have gone through in this past 43 yrs have been just plain strange. I mean I am by no means perfect.but to struggle for 30 yrs like this. I have fought valiantly against generational curses, racism, sexism, genes, mental health, AIDs, Covid and just freak accidents. I sacrificed and put my family first. I had been feeling ALOT of woah is me, but after 30 yrs of regularly being depressed, I am not wasting more time being sad. At the end of the day, it really is about how we choose to look at situations.
I have read thousands of pages on mental health and most of the Bible. All of mankind, agree life and death lie in our tongue and in our thoughts. Our thoughts and our words control so much. So I feed my mind with God’s Word, so His Words come out of my mouth. I am going to speak life over myself in a new way. Out of pain I was constantly speaking death over myself. Cannabis did help some with the depression and helped me fight. However, I have to choose my thoughts and choose how I handle my thoughts.
I really dont know how long I have on this Earth, no one does. I just know I dont want to spend my time here being sad, unforgiving, angry or with regret. I choose to let love cover a multitude of sin. I choose to rejoice in the blessings God has bestowed me. I have had a truly blessed life. I am thankful to have learned so much. I am thankful that I came to Baltimore. I am thankful that I learned to love on a deeper level.
I know I have given every ounce of my heart to living and loving like Christ. I hope I hear my well done, but not before I do a little bit more on this earth.